I am listening to: Jamestown Revival, Bloc Party, The Jardin Telling Band
What I’m pairing my Diet Coke with: Visitors from Boston, birthdays, and butterflies
My Blogger pick: BitchBeer.org
The Starburst Breakup
CVS cashier: All of those?
Me: Yeah? It’s only like 3 packs of Starbursts…
CVS cashier: Oh it looked like a lot more.
Me: Well, they all fell on the floor, because that child in front of me knocked them down and his mother of the year didn’t pick them up. So, I felt like it was a sign to purchase all of them. IDK.
CVS cashier: Is that all?
*hands her two more rolls of Starbursts*
Me: I’m going through a breakup
CVS cashier: Oh… well you should grab a Cosmo.
Me: Right. So I can read about all of the “things” I won’t be doing. Oh, these chips too. Ah, and this.
I pulled a Diet Coke out of my armpit, and grabbed a Cosmo magazine with my newly free hand. I turned over the items and I then I tried to swipe my debit card.
CVS: You should have grabbed a face mask too. That always makes me feel better! Oh..the debit card thing.. it’s the chip kind of card, you have to stick it in.
Me: These things are so dumb. My money and identity feel soooooo much safer now that I stuck my card into a hole.
Me: Have a good night.
Lexi: Sean and I are done. He broke things off last night. Long story. I DON’T want to talk about it. So, DON’T ask. because… like I don’t want to keep crying. But anyways, I wanted you to know.
I loved how she said wanted me to know and then immediately cut off the conversation. I know this sounds selfish, but I was counting on Lexi to get me through my break-up. She makes me laugh until I cry and develop a six pack. What kind of week was this? It was the third breakup I had been involved in that week. When I say involved, if my best friends are breaking up it’s my problem too.
Me: Hey, I feel you. It happens. I felt terrible yesterday. Your today is my yesterday. Does that make sense? Do you want me to come over?
I was down to share my Starbursts.
Lexi: I need to finish crying. I’ll call you later.
So yes, I had recently been dating someone that ended quite quickly, as my insecurities got the best of me. None of my friends were telling me what I wanted to hear.
Brittany: You barely even dated.
Me: Omg. Bye.
Kendra: Rememeber! You know who is best friends with _______ _______ and I know we could hook that up really fast.
Me: I don’t think rebounding with one of the Kardashian’s exes is going to make me feel any better right now.
Kendra: Wasn’t this guy a rebound?
Me: Not true. Omg. Bye.
Me: Why are you laughing at me?
Josh: I’m so confused! I thought you were still in your “I’m a power woman, don’t need a man phase”
Me: Why are we even friends?
Josh: Because you’re laughing. Go burn your bra.
Me: You’re literally the worst.
Josh: Whoa bb ice cold
Me: Omg. Bye.
I came home, opened my laptop and began to write. Out of all people to call me, it was Collin. The Ex of all Exes.
Collin: Well, well, well. It took you three months this time to answer me.
Me: Yeah, well I happen to be going through a breakup. So that’s why I answered.
Collin: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Glad to know I’m not blocked!
Me: Well you haven’t been really. I just don’t answer.
Collin: Damn Carmona.
Me: Yeah, How are you?
Collin: I’m doing really well. I’m in Manhattan for the next week. I’m glad you answered. What are your plans this weekend?
Me: Brunch. Nails. Hair. Basically, a total basic bitch weekend. See what I did there?
Collin: Can you leave work early on Friday?
Me: What? No. Why?
Collin: Come to New York for the weekend. I’m looking at flights now.
Me: No. Why can’t you at least try to establish a friendship with me? We agreed that—
Collin: I never agreed to anything. And hey, I’m not going anywhere.
Me: Oh, I’m aware. You’re like a blood sucking leach on the bottom of my foot.
Collin: Gross. You wouldn’t consider New York this weekend?
I saw him look down at his phone. I sent him a meme that was Simon Cowell saying “THAT’S A NO FROM ME”
Collin: Really? Can you be serious?
Me: Come on! That was funny. Shit. Daniella is on the other line and she is super pregnant now so I have to answer at all times.
Daniella: Hey, how are you? Feeling any better?
Me: I stayed home today. I listened to The Bodyguard soundtrack, made s’mores in the microwave, and cried. Then I wrote a story about my pet rat, Zelda that died when I was 5. We buried her in the backyard and I put rhinestones on the Ked’s shoe box/ turned rat coffin.
Daniella: Well that’s good, and disgusting. Writing is always good for you!
Me: Collin just called me. I answered.
Daniella: Omg what? Your BIG.
Daniella Yes you’re Carrie and he is Mr. Big! He’s older than you, elusive, dashing, and he’s a business man now working in New York.
Me: Yeah sans private driver. Dashing? Who says that? Wait whoa, whoa how did you know he was in New York???
Daniella: Oh… he reached out to me, because you blocked him. He was worried.
Me: Oh cool, thanks for telling me. I. did. not. block. him.
Daniella: What are you chewing? You sound like a cow chewing on a cud.
Daniella: How many do you have in your mouth? Like 5?
Me: TWO. I HAVE TWO. I like eating one pink with one yellow, because it tastes like pink lemonade.
Daniella: That actually sounds really good. Pregnancy cravings. ANYWAYS… He is Big, and you are Carrie. Wait are you smoking again?
Daniella: See! Carrie is a smoker then quits for Aiden then gets back with Big!
Me: Stop trying to make this fit! And, no. Carrie is smoking again in Paris with the Russian artist guy and then Big leaves her at the altar. Wait, then who is Aiden?
Daniella: Well, omg Trevor was Aiden. It’s the Russian artist guy that hasn’t happened yet. You see-
Me: Alright, alright! Me and “Big” are never getting back together, like ever. It’s been 3 years. I need to go Lexi is on the other line. She’s going through a breakup too. Love you k, bye
Me: What up yo?
Lexi: I have an idea.
Me: Oh yeah, what’s that?
Lexi: Valentine’s day is Sunday.
Me: I don’t care.
Lexi: Let’s wear black veils and go to brunch. You know, mourn the deaths of our relationships…one mimosa at a time.
Me. Totally in.
Lexi: What are you chewing?
I guess there really isn’t a point or ending to this story…but here are a few take aways.
2. You must talk to your friends to get you through it, especially if they are as funny as Lexi (hands off she’s mine).
3. DON’T desperately fly to New York City to see an ex.
4. If you chew one yellow Starburst and one pink Starburst it will taste like pink lemonade.