I am listening to: Prince, Screaming Females, Girlpool
What I’m pairing my coffee with: too many projects and no make-up
On The Way Home
I have been told that I am a “Jill of all Trades.” I agree. I work full time at UT, I write new material for Ruby-Wolf every week, I’m a freelance writer and I babysit a few times a month. I am also hoping to become a barre instructor within a year. I can’t NOT be doing something. I need to be changing the world or working.
*Shameless self promotion——> If you need help with your resume, cover letter, or a bio for your website…LMK.
Babysitting. I feel like it’s helping me decide if I ever want children. I’m leaning towards a no because I recently witnessed a birth (OMG), and I only want a girl (major gamble). I currently babysit for one family. The two little girls, whom we shall call Mazzy and Harlow always make me laugh and they like Taylor Swift. It’s a win-win situation.
Me: Harlow, please do not shoot Jackson (the dog) with the water gun.
Harlow: Then what am I supposed to shoot? He likes it.
Jackson looks up at me. Like one of those moments in Full House where the audience goes: AWWWWWW.
Mazzy: Just shoot the fence!
Me: Yes, I love that plan. Shoot the fence.
Harlow: I’m sorry Jackson, for kinda saying I would spray you with a water gun.
Mazzy: Jackson is a slow dog. He is very slow.
Harlow: Jackson….is slow. BUT Jackson is slow because he wants to enjoy life.
We could all learn from Jackson. That night we were getting ready for bed. Harlow was moving very slow, one stair at a time.
Me: Hey Harlow. Are you pulling a Jackson? Going slow and enjoying life?
She just looked at me and giggled and ran up the stairs.
Me: Look Harlow she beat you! Mazzy is a speed racer. Teeth are brushed, pajamas on…
Harlow ran to put her pajamas on. Mazzy raised her eyebrows at me. We gave each other a silent invisible high five. Then we went to pick out books.
Harlow: I pick one! You pick one! You should read Olivia again. You read it to me 3 times and I want to hear you read it again.
Me: Okay, deal.
That night on the way home I decided motherhood might be for me. IF I had a girl.
The next weekend I went to San Antonio. My best friend was having her third baby and this one was a planned cesarean. I wanted to be there, as I had missed the first 2 births. Plus, her husband was overseas and I wanted to help in any way possible.Her sister and I watched her other two children during the surgery. I kinda failed. The thought of changing diapers was really scary. Trying to relate to a little boy was tough. I was also distracted thinking about the surgery that was going on. At 12:37 pm Baby Marley entered the world.
Me: I’m so proud of you. Thank you for letting me be here.
Daniella: I wanted you here.
I realized that I didn’t have my eye glasses. This was a huge deal.
Me: Does anyone want something from the lobby? Can I get anyone something? Oh, has anyone seen my red glasses?
I very calmly exited the room, and then ran down the hallway. I went to every floor I had been on that day. I went to every bathroom. I even stole some latex gloves and dug threw some trash (I almost got kicked out of the hospital). Nothing. I can’t drive without vision correction, and I didn’t have back up contacts. ALSO. I was not driving my own car and I wasn’t in Austin. I had traded with someone because my electric car isn’t built to drive long distances. I knocked on the Security office door.
Me: Has anyone turned in some red glasses?
My Hero: Are you crying? Are you okay?
I explained to him that I couldn’t drive without them, I wasn’t even driving my own car, the world was ending, etc.
My Hero: Don’t cry! Do you want a Pop Tart?
Me: Is that a s’mores one?
I couldn’t think of anything better to eat in that moment. I went back to the hospital room and they were going through a breast feeding tutorial. It looked painful and I was worried. I was legit concerned for her life. My anxiety level was pretty high so I volunteered to go find food. Guess who was walking up the hallway?
Me: I can’t believe it!! You found them! And you gave me a snack earlier! You really are the best!
My Hero: Well, I could say I’ll take credit, or that you got very lucky. You decide.
On the way home I bought Pop Tarts, and I decided that motherhood was not for me.
A few weeks later I was babysitting Mazzy and Harlow again. It was bedtime.
Me: Harlow, you already brushed your teeth? I’m super impressed.
Mazzy: Me too!
Harlow: OH MY GOODNESS! I FORGOT! I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
Mazzy: She does!
We went into the playroom, and Harlow began frantically looking for a card she drew for me. She seemed very distressed.
Me: It’s really okay, we can-
Harlow: Here! I found it!
She handed me a card. It was a picture of three girls. and it said Harlow, Love. I was very moved by this.
Harlow: That is you, me and Mazzy! We are outside in the sun. And there were no tornadoes, ever. On that day, none.
Mazzy: You love tornados, Harlow!
Harlow: No! I hate tornados! I LOVE WITCHES.
Me: Okay, well that’s a new one.
She just looked at me perplexed, as if I was supposed proclaim my love for witches too.
Me: Thank you so much, this is really special. I’m going to put it in my fridge. It will be the only thing!
On the way home I decided I wanted to be a mom one day.
At this moment I am watching Teen Mom with a group of my friends. A sappy part happens and I tear up. Everyone was tearing up.
Me: I want a child. I do. I think I do one day.
Lexi: Omg stay away from all males. Just wait till the commercial is over, you’ll forget you said that. Fuck, I teared up. Ugh! I’m going outside.
On my way home I felt ambiguous about being a mom, but thankful for my recent experiences and reflections. I also reminded myself that if Carrie ever got back with Mr. Big she would be a stepmom to two boys…