Magic Mike! She loves him.

This week:

I am listening to: The John Hanifin Band, Jackson 5, Ryn Weaver

What I’m pairing my Topo Chico with: barre, free lance work, trip planning, saving $$$$$

 

Magic Mike! She loves him.

Many moons ago, or maybe a few weeks ago… I was having a chill night at Brittney’s. Lexi was the one who proposed the idea of us going to HER house, but she went radio silent on her phone. I assumed she stayed at the “Darty” longer.

Me: I’m so glad I’m staying in tonight.

Brittney: What happened to Lexi?

Me: She’s been at the “Darty” all day.

Brittney: If I have to hear that stupid word one more time!

Me: I’ll jump out the window for you.

*Lexi texted*

Heyyyyyyy I’m all done. Gonna Uber over to Brittney’s now!

Me: Yeah, let’s see if she comes.

Brittney and I put on blue face masks and surfed the TV. 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door.

Lexi: Hey!!!!! Told you I would come. What happened to the face masks y’all were wearing in the picture you texted me? It looked like Monster’s Inc. up in this mother f—

Me: Is that wine? Did you drink wine in the Uber? What are you doing? You can’t just drink wine in an Uber.

She was holding a clear pink cup that had a lid and a straw. She sucked the straw and stared into my soul.

Lexi: Haha. Ugh my Uber driver wouldn’t take me to Sonic.

*SLLUUUUURRRP*

Lexi: ANYWAYS. I can’t believe y’all didn’t make it to the Darty today. It was literally THE best day.

Brittney: OMG please stop saying that word.

Lexi: Darty! Darty! Darty! It’s a day party!!

Brittney: Well I’m sober and Constance had to go to the doctor because she thought she had diabetes II…

Lexi: Haha, what? Wait, what? You don’t have freaking diabetes.

Brittney: Of course she doesn’t but she convinced herself she did and told everyone she did.

Me: UGGGGHHH! Pick something to watch please.

Lexi: Oh I will.

*Snatches remote*

Lexi: Oh hell yeah! Magic Mike! Done.

Me: I’m not watching this terrible fucking movie. This is one thing I will not watch.

Lexi: Just try. Just try watching it. You will believe in the Magic. You will love Magic Mike. I love him.

It took like 5 minutes for me to start asking questions and complaining.

Me: Okay, well why is that guy driving? And why is that girl dressed like the God Father and why is she talking—

Lexi: SHUT UP. IT DOESN’T MATTER. THE PLOT DOESN’T MATTER.

It was like she turned into Reagan from the Exorcist for one sec. Brittney was just laughing the entire time.

Me: Dude. Chill.

Lexi: This is how I want my bachelorette party to be. Take notes.

Me: Oh, okay so you basically want a male whorehouse?

Lexi: Ugh.

Brittney: California. NOLA. Miami.

Me: I want to go to like the Berkshires or glam-ping in Utah. I want to do something that hasn’t been done.

Lexi: Like a “cool” bachelorette party? Okay Portlandia, cool story.

Me: Shut up. Did you just go, “MMHHHhhhhhhhhhhm” when that guy started dancing?

Lexi: Uh yeah.

Brittney: I thought that was my washing machine or a car.

I kinda captured this moment on my iPhone…

Lexi: Did you just take a video? OMG are you serious? Delete it! Delete it now! WHY HAVEN’T YOU DELETED IT YET!

Brittney silently mouthed, SEND IT TO ME.

Me: Okay, okay. Jeez.

Lexi: That’s it I’m ubering home. Don’t make fun of me.

Her acrylic nails were tap dancing on her iPhone screen with a mission.

Me: Why would you call an uber when I can take you home? I’ll take you to Sonic…

Lexi: I don’t want to be in the car with you! Leave me alone!

5 minutes later she comes back to the couch and is smiling again.

Me: If you put things into perspective, no bachelorette party is happening anytime soon. When we are married, I feel like we could be the Real Housewives of Austin. Except we aren’t rich and are more quirky.

Lexi: Okay… yeah that’s you. Hipster.

Me: No I’m serious! People would watch that shit.

I proceeded to write an opening line for some of my friends. I have since polished it. So here you go:

Lexi: My life is like an erotic movie. There is no plot!

Kendra: So what. Who cares? Why bother?

Brittney: I may be the sober one, but I have a front row seat to this circus and I know EVERYONE’S secrets.

Amber: Aw, thanks for coming! Now leave.

Mariah: My nickname is “mom” because I have my shit together. And that’s okay, because I’ll always be the youngest.

Khloe: I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name… in pencil.

Me: They call me the storyteller, but honey… I AM the story.

************************************

Me: Okay, I’m heading out now.

Lexi stared at me.

Me: Um, do you want a ride?

Lexi: Yes please.

We drove the half-mile to her house.

Me: Can I sleep over in the guest bedroom?

Lexi: Yeah!

We entered and her roommate Amber frantically slid into the kitchen.

Amber: THIS GUY! HE WON’T LEAVE! He came over with some people to hang out after the darty and he’s still here. He’s fake sleeping!

Lexi: Fake sleeper eh? I’ll handle it. EXCUSE ME!!!

I cringed and ran up the stairs. I didn’t want to be there for that.

Lexi: Okay. Can you leave? Like now and not in 1 minute. I’ll totally pay for your Uber, but you have to pay me back. Excuse me!

And that is a whole other story.

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