Magic Mike! She loves him.

This week:

I am listening to: The John Hanifin Band, Jackson 5, Ryn Weaver

What I’m pairing my Topo Chico with: barre, free lance work, trip planning, saving $$$$$


Magic Mike! She loves him.

Many moons ago, or maybe a few weeks ago… I was having a chill night at Brittney’s. Lexi was the one who proposed the idea of us going to HER house, but she went radio silent on her phone. I assumed she stayed at the “Darty” longer.

Me: I’m so glad I’m staying in tonight.

Brittney: What happened to Lexi?

Me: She’s been at the “Darty” all day.

Brittney: If I have to hear that stupid word one more time!

Me: I’ll jump out the window for you.

*Lexi texted*

Heyyyyyyy I’m all done. Gonna Uber over to Brittney’s now!

Me: Yeah, let’s see if she comes.

Brittney and I put on blue face masks and surfed the TV. 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door.

Lexi: Hey!!!!! Told you I would come. What happened to the face masks y’all were wearing in the picture you texted me? It looked like Monster’s Inc. up in this mother f—

Me: Is that wine? Did you drink wine in the Uber? What are you doing? You can’t just drink wine in an Uber.

She was holding a clear pink cup that had a lid and a straw. She sucked the straw and stared into my soul.

Lexi: Haha. Ugh my Uber driver wouldn’t take me to Sonic.


Lexi: ANYWAYS. I can’t believe y’all didn’t make it to the Darty today. It was literally THE best day.

Brittney: OMG please stop saying that word.

Lexi: Darty! Darty! Darty! It’s a day party!!

Brittney: Well I’m sober and Constance had to go to the doctor because she thought she had diabetes II…

Lexi: Haha, what? Wait, what? You don’t have freaking diabetes.

Brittney: Of course she doesn’t but she convinced herself she did and told everyone she did.

Me: UGGGGHHH! Pick something to watch please.

Lexi: Oh I will.

*Snatches remote*

Lexi: Oh hell yeah! Magic Mike! Done.

Me: I’m not watching this terrible fucking movie. This is one thing I will not watch.

Lexi: Just try. Just try watching it. You will believe in the Magic. You will love Magic Mike. I love him.

It took like 5 minutes for me to start asking questions and complaining.

Me: Okay, well why is that guy driving? And why is that girl dressed like the God Father and why is she talking—


It was like she turned into Reagan from the Exorcist for one sec. Brittney was just laughing the entire time.

Me: Dude. Chill.

Lexi: This is how I want my bachelorette party to be. Take notes.

Me: Oh, okay so you basically want a male whorehouse?

Lexi: Ugh.

Brittney: California. NOLA. Miami.

Me: I want to go to like the Berkshires or glam-ping in Utah. I want to do something that hasn’t been done.

Lexi: Like a “cool” bachelorette party? Okay Portlandia, cool story.

Me: Shut up. Did you just go, “MMHHHhhhhhhhhhhm” when that guy started dancing?

Lexi: Uh yeah.

Brittney: I thought that was my washing machine or a car.

I kinda captured this moment on my iPhone…

Lexi: Did you just take a video? OMG are you serious? Delete it! Delete it now! WHY HAVEN’T YOU DELETED IT YET!

Brittney silently mouthed, SEND IT TO ME.

Me: Okay, okay. Jeez.

Lexi: That’s it I’m ubering home. Don’t make fun of me.

Her acrylic nails were tap dancing on her iPhone screen with a mission.

Me: Why would you call an uber when I can take you home? I’ll take you to Sonic…

Lexi: I don’t want to be in the car with you! Leave me alone!

5 minutes later she comes back to the couch and is smiling again.

Me: If you put things into perspective, no bachelorette party is happening anytime soon. When we are married, I feel like we could be the Real Housewives of Austin. Except we aren’t rich and are more quirky.

Lexi: Okay… yeah that’s you. Hipster.

Me: No I’m serious! People would watch that shit.

I proceeded to write an opening line for some of my friends. I have since polished it. So here you go:

Lexi: My life is like an erotic movie. There is no plot!

Kendra: So what. Who cares? Why bother?

Brittney: I may be the sober one, but I have a front row seat to this circus and I know EVERYONE’S secrets.

Amber: Aw, thanks for coming! Now leave.

Mariah: My nickname is “mom” because I have my shit together. And that’s okay, because I’ll always be the youngest.

Khloe: I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name… in pencil.

Me: They call me the storyteller, but honey… I AM the story.


Me: Okay, I’m heading out now.

Lexi stared at me.

Me: Um, do you want a ride?

Lexi: Yes please.

We drove the half-mile to her house.

Me: Can I sleep over in the guest bedroom?

Lexi: Yeah!

We entered and her roommate Amber frantically slid into the kitchen.

Amber: THIS GUY! HE WON’T LEAVE! He came over with some people to hang out after the darty and he’s still here. He’s fake sleeping!

Lexi: Fake sleeper eh? I’ll handle it. EXCUSE ME!!!

I cringed and ran up the stairs. I didn’t want to be there for that.

Lexi: Okay. Can you leave? Like now and not in 1 minute. I’ll totally pay for your Uber, but you have to pay me back. Excuse me!

And that is a whole other story.