I am listening to: The John Hanifin Band, Jackson 5, Ryn Weaver
What I’m pairing my Topo Chico with: barre, free lance work, trip planning, saving $$$$$
Magic Mike! She loves him.
Many moons ago, or maybe a few weeks ago… I was having a chill night at Brittney’s. Lexi was the one who proposed the idea of us going to HER house, but she went radio silent on her phone. I assumed she stayed at the “Darty” longer.
Me: I’m so glad I’m staying in tonight.
Brittney: What happened to Lexi?
Me: She’s been at the “Darty” all day.
Brittney: If I have to hear that stupid word one more time!
Me: I’ll jump out the window for you.
Heyyyyyyy I’m all done. Gonna Uber over to Brittney’s now!
Me: Yeah, let’s see if she comes.
Brittney and I put on blue face masks and surfed the TV. 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door.
Lexi: Hey!!!!! Told you I would come. What happened to the face masks y’all were wearing in the picture you texted me? It looked like Monster’s Inc. up in this mother f—
Me: Is that wine? Did you drink wine in the Uber? What are you doing? You can’t just drink wine in an Uber.
She was holding a clear pink cup that had a lid and a straw. She sucked the straw and stared into my soul.
Lexi: Haha. Ugh my Uber driver wouldn’t take me to Sonic.
Lexi: ANYWAYS. I can’t believe y’all didn’t make it to the Darty today. It was literally THE best day.
Brittney: OMG please stop saying that word.
Lexi: Darty! Darty! Darty! It’s a day party!!
Brittney: Well I’m sober and Constance had to go to the doctor because she thought she had diabetes II…
Lexi: Haha, what? Wait, what? You don’t have freaking diabetes.
Brittney: Of course she doesn’t but she convinced herself she did and told everyone she did.
Me: UGGGGHHH! Pick something to watch please.
Lexi: Oh I will.
Lexi: Oh hell yeah! Magic Mike! Done.
Me: I’m not watching this terrible fucking movie. This is one thing I will not watch.
Lexi: Just try. Just try watching it. You will believe in the Magic. You will love Magic Mike. I love him.
It took like 5 minutes for me to start asking questions and complaining.
Me: Okay, well why is that guy driving? And why is that girl dressed like the God Father and why is she talking—
Lexi: SHUT UP. IT DOESN’T MATTER. THE PLOT DOESN’T MATTER.
It was like she turned into Reagan from the Exorcist for one sec. Brittney was just laughing the entire time.
Me: Dude. Chill.
Lexi: This is how I want my bachelorette party to be. Take notes.
Me: Oh, okay so you basically want a male whorehouse?
Brittney: California. NOLA. Miami.
Me: I want to go to like the Berkshires or glam-ping in Utah. I want to do something that hasn’t been done.
Lexi: Like a “cool” bachelorette party? Okay Portlandia, cool story.
Me: Shut up. Did you just go, “MMHHHhhhhhhhhhhm” when that guy started dancing?
Lexi: Uh yeah.
Brittney: I thought that was my washing machine or a car.
I kinda captured this moment on my iPhone…
Lexi: Did you just take a video? OMG are you serious? Delete it! Delete it now! WHY HAVEN’T YOU DELETED IT YET!
Brittney silently mouthed, SEND IT TO ME.
Me: Okay, okay. Jeez.
Lexi: That’s it I’m ubering home. Don’t make fun of me.
Her acrylic nails were tap dancing on her iPhone screen with a mission.
Me: Why would you call an uber when I can take you home? I’ll take you to Sonic…
Lexi: I don’t want to be in the car with you! Leave me alone!
5 minutes later she comes back to the couch and is smiling again.
Me: If you put things into perspective, no bachelorette party is happening anytime soon. When we are married, I feel like we could be the Real Housewives of Austin. Except we aren’t rich and are more quirky.
Lexi: Okay… yeah that’s you. Hipster.
Me: No I’m serious! People would watch that shit.
I proceeded to write an opening line for some of my friends. I have since polished it. So here you go:
Lexi: My life is like an erotic movie. There is no plot!
Kendra: So what. Who cares? Why bother?
Brittney: I may be the sober one, but I have a front row seat to this circus and I know EVERYONE’S secrets.
Amber: Aw, thanks for coming! Now leave.
Mariah: My nickname is “mom” because I have my shit together. And that’s okay, because I’ll always be the youngest.
Khloe: I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name… in pencil.
Me: They call me the storyteller, but honey… I AM the story.
Me: Okay, I’m heading out now.
Lexi stared at me.
Me: Um, do you want a ride?
Lexi: Yes please.
We drove the half-mile to her house.
Me: Can I sleep over in the guest bedroom?
We entered and her roommate Amber frantically slid into the kitchen.
Amber: THIS GUY! HE WON’T LEAVE! He came over with some people to hang out after the darty and he’s still here. He’s fake sleeping!
Lexi: Fake sleeper eh? I’ll handle it. EXCUSE ME!!!
I cringed and ran up the stairs. I didn’t want to be there for that.
Lexi: Okay. Can you leave? Like now and not in 1 minute. I’ll totally pay for your Uber, but you have to pay me back. Excuse me!
And that is a whole other story.