I am listening to: The Shang-Gri Las, Mariah Carey, Stevie Nicks
What I’m pairing my coffee with: a new notebook, two laptops, snapchat! I have snapchat now.
Just take me to Whataburger.
Over the course of my dating life I have attracted many foodies and aspiring sommeliers. Fancy stuff is cool! But it makes me nervous. The truth is, that stuff makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place. I just want whatever I eat and drink to taste good. I don’t want to spend time learning it’s biography. Like, where the cow was born, did said cow have siblings, how hoppy a beer is, what wine pairs with what. As Happy Gilmore once said “Gold Jacket, Green Jacket. Who gives a shit.”
Me: I’m like super close.
*Already 10 minutes late*
We greeted each other and I gave an awkward hug.The type of hugs where you end up elbowing them or your arm gets tangled in their pockets or whatever. As soon as we sit my mouth starts spitting out words a million miles a minute. I talk a lot in general, but when I’m nervous all hands on deck my friend – it’s going down. “Christian” can attest to this. I don’t even know what I was talking about. I talked about the arduous process of going platinum blonde for over ten minutes. Why would you tell someone that on a date? Who actually cares?
Christian: Okay. Check out the wine list. You pick. What kind of wine do you like?
Here we go.
Me: I really don’t care. Not my thing.
Christian: So this one has a hint of sandalwood……this one is from the southern part of Italy…this one I had on my birthday and it’s incredible…this one goes perfect with…
Me: Right. Um, have you seen that movie Som? About the-
Christian: The sommeliers? Yes, I loved it.
The only thing I understood were two words: Italy, and grapes. I don’t care if the wine came from a magical unicorn vineyard or if it came from a box of Franzia. I would have literally drank whatever was put in front of me to calm my nerves, because I didn’t understand the food menu and I was certain that I blew it after talking about my hair. The wine arrived and I pretended to be completely wowed by it’s flavor. He was literally taking baby bird sips every 12.5 minutes. I noticed that I drank one “inch” more than he did. I felt very weird about that. I didn’t want him to think I was nervous. When he left to go to the bathroom I decided it was a good idea to pour an “inch” of his wine into my glass so we be even again. As I tipped my hand I stopped mid pour I realized there was a bigger problem: spilled wine. The gentlemen sitting catty corner was staring at me. My eyes looked deep into his soul, my eyes were saying to him: YOU SAW NOTHING. Please keep in mind that this was a very expensive restaurant. And I’m over here pouring someone’s backwash into my glass of wine. End scene.
Me: I feel like sunchokes are the new pretentious hipster food. You know? First it was putting eggs on fucking everything. Then it was bone marrow. And now it’s this weird vegetable.
Anthony: Where else have you eaten them or seen them at?
Me: Okay so…
Anthony: You pick the wine!
Me: Oh okay, so here is the deal. I don’t really have a preference… all wine tastes the same to me.
Anthony: Oh boy! You are going to be so annoyed with me. Wine is my thing. I’m actually a part of a wine club and …..
Me: I’m not annoyed. Sounds like a cool hobby.
Anthony: I love wine so much that I never drink to get drunk. I like to taste every bit of the flavor. Hmmm. Well, name one thing you like in wine?
Oh. My. God.
Me: Bubbles. I like bubbles. There you go.
The server comes over.
Anthony: Hi! Can I ask a few questions about the wine menu? Let’s start with…what would you recommend…
15 minutes later: Food I can’t pronounce is on the table, wine that tastes like wine is on the table. End scene.
Scenario # 3
Jake: You look great! I picked this place because it’s on the water. And they have all of these AMAZING beers on tap. I’m kind of a beer snob, hahaha. How much do you love IPAs???
I texted my friend Louisa under the table.
Me: I might need a bail out within the next hour.
Louisa: Okay, I got you.
Once upon a time I was sitting on a couch with my laptop and several disorganized post-its are strewn about a coffee table that was not mine. Arguably Austin’s most desirable bachelor was sitting next to me. We talked about our day in between responding to work emails while Fantastic Mr. Fox played in the background. Hanging out was easy, relaxed and comfortable.
Nathan: Dinner. I can pop something in the oven, or we can use Favor and you pick?
Me: I don’t really care. Seriously. I’m just hungry.
Nathan: Okay if I make the frozen pizza? It’s not that big, but I’ll make you a smoothie to supplement?
I know exactly what I’m getting
Pizza and smoothies never disappoint me–
Me: That sounds bomb.
Nathan: Do you want a Gin or glass of white wine? 3 weeks by the way. 126 days.
Nathan: In Fox days. 126 days. Since we met.
That’s the shit I like. See how simple that was? Pizza, wine, and smoothies. Those are a few of my favorite things.